Victim of Abuse vs. Victim Mentality: The Psychology Courts Often Get Wrong

In family court, one of the most damaging confusions is between a victim of abuse and a person with a victim mentality. On the surface, both may appear distressed, reactive, or emotional. But psychologically, they operate from completely different places, one from survival, the other from manipulation.

Understanding this difference isn’t just semantic. It determines whose voice gets believed, whose evidence gets minimized, and whose narrative shapes the court’s perception of reality.

1. The Psychology of a Victim of Abuse

A true victim of coercive control has lived in an environment where safety, trust, and autonomy were systematically stripped away. Their nervous system has been conditioned to anticipate threat and minimize conflict.

Over time, they adapt through survival responses such as fawning, freezing, overexplaining, or appeasing, all of which can look “unstable” or “emotional” to outsiders who don’t understand trauma dynamics.

Traits of an abuse survivor’s psychology:

• Hypervigilance and anxiety about what might happen next 

• Over-accounting for their actions to avoid blame

• Difficulty setting firm boundaries after years of having them violated

• Deep fears about being harmed, threatened, isolated, and financially striped of stability

• A strong desire to protect their children, sometimes at the cost of self

These traits are not signs of instability. They’re the aftereffects of chronic psychological harm.

2. The Psychology of the Coercive Co-Parent with a Victim Mentality

The coercive controller often positions themselves as the true victim. But their “victimhood” is not born from trauma. It’s born from entitlement, image management, and the need to maintain control when their dominance is threatened.

In family court, this manifests as performative helplessness and strategic blame. They craft a narrative in which every boundary set by the safe parent is flipped into rejection, alienation, or cruelty.

Traits of the coercive co-parent’s victim mentality:

• Control through narrative: They weaponize perception by painting themselves as misunderstood or persecuted.

• Deflection: They redirect attention from their behavior by framing themselves as the target of the other parent’s “anger” or “mental health issues.”

• Triangulation: They recruit professionals, family members, and even the children to validate their story.

• False equivalence: They frame abuse as “mutual conflict” to neutralize accountability.

This “victim performance” works because it triggers empathy and confusion, especially in systems like family court that are trained to see conflict as mutual rather than manipulative.

Coercive control is NOT mutual conflict. It is an imbalance in power within the dynamic. 

3. How the Coercive Parent Manipulates Family Court

Family court often prioritizes cooperation and co-parenting harmony, ideals that make sense in healthy dynamics but become weapons in coercive ones.

The coercive parent exploits this by:

• Presenting as calm, rational, and cooperative, while the true victim appears anxious or distressed.

• Using therapeutic or legal language to sound insightful (“I just want what’s best for the children”) while behind the scenes, they wreak havoc. 

• Claiming they are being “alienated” or “falsely accused” when the safe parent tries to protect the children from manipulation or abuse.

• Flooding the system with complaints, emails, and “false documentation” designed to overwhelm and confuse professionals.

The result is a false reality. One where the abuser looks stable and the survivor can look reactive. When the court mistakes trauma responses for instability or keeps the children from the abuser, the protective parent’s credibility erodes, and the coercive parent’s control tightens under the guise of fairness.

To help the court see the truth, you need consistent patterns of behavior that your coercive ex engages in. This is where psychological analysis helps paint the picture of who your co-parent is behind the mask they wear for court. Reading through the lines of their messages and showing how their behaviors undermine you, prioritize themselves over the children, withhold decision-making, continually escalate conflict, etc., is where the court can see the truth. Patterns don’t lie. 

4. How True Victims Can Shift from Survival to Growth

Healing from coercive control means reclaiming your internal authority, such as your sense of reality, worth, and voice. You cannot control how others perceive you, but you can anchor yourself in truth, evidence, and grounded self-awareness.

Ways to move from survival to growth:

• Regulate, then respond: Calm your nervous system before engaging. Your clarity is your protection. If you’re struggling with nervous system regulation, grab our Trauma to Triumph course or Boundary Badass Book. Nervous regulation should be a daily practice. 

• Document facts, not feelings: The truth stands stronger when it’s presented without emotional charge. All documentation needs to address the behavior experienced when it comes to bridging the gap between psychology and law. 

• Set internal boundaries: Not every accusation deserves a defense. A simple one-liner will save your sanity, which is exactly why we created the Coparenting Code Scripts. 

• Reconnect with safe people: Isolation is part of the coercive system; connection is part of recovery. Define your circle, even if it’s small. One or two close friends or family members are all you need to have your back if you feel unsafe. 

• Adopt a growth mindset: Ask, “What is this teaching me about my strength, discernment, and self-worth?” A growth mindset doesn’t deny the damage; it integrates it. It turns pain into power, fear into awareness, and confusion into clarity.

5. The Reframe: From “Victim” to Survivor With Insight

You were targeted because of your empathy, integrity, and capacity to love deeply. Those same qualities can become your compass forward.

Recognizing the difference between a victim of abuse and a victim mentality is the first step in reclaiming your narrative, not just in court, but in your own mind.

Because once you see the pattern, you can’t unsee it. And once you stop defending your truth, you start living it.

Need further assistance with documentation, coparenting, or healing? Sign-uo for. a call today