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Loyalty Binds in Co-Parenting: How High-Conflict Co-Parents Trap Children in Emotional Conflict


loyalty bind

In high-conflict co-parenting situations, children are often caught in the middle of their parents’ disputes, leading to complex emotional dynamics known as loyalty binds. A loyalty bind occurs when a child feels torn between two parents, believing they must choose sides to maintain the love or approval of one or both. For children, this creates emotional stress, confusion, and a sense of divided loyalty that can have long-term psychological effects.


High-conflict co-parents are notorious for placing their children in these binds, often without realizing the damage they are causing. These parents may manipulate, guilt, or pressure the child into showing loyalty to them over the other parent, causing deep emotional turmoil.


Here are ten ways high-conflict co-parents create loyalty binds for their children:


1. Badmouthing the Other Parent

High-conflict co-parents may openly criticize, insult, or belittle the other parent in front of the child. This forces the child into an emotional bind, as they feel guilty for having a positive relationship with the targeted parent. The child may internalize the negative talk, feeling as though they must agree with the critical parent or risk losing their approval.

2. Making the Child a Messenger

Instead of communicating directly with the other parent, high-conflict co-parents often use the child as a go-between for relaying messages. This puts the child in an uncomfortable position, especially when the messages are filled with conflict or hostility. It forces the child to take on the burden of adult issues, creating emotional strain and divided loyalty.

3. Forcing the Child to Choose Sides

Subtly or overtly, a high-conflict co-parent might force the child to take sides in disputes, asking questions like, "Don’t you agree that your other parent was wrong?" or, "Who do you think is the better parent?" This makes the child feel pressured to side with one parent over the other, deepening the loyalty bind.


loyalty bind

4. Limiting Contact with the Other Parent

High-conflict co-parents may try to limit the child’s contact with the other parent, either by withholding communication or making the child feel guilty for wanting to spend time with them. The child feels torn between their desire to maintain a relationship with both parents and the pressure from the conflict-oriented parent to reject or avoid the other.

5. Guilt-Tripping the Child

A high-conflict co-parent may use guilt to manipulate the child, saying things like, "If you loved me, you wouldn’t want to go to your other parent’s house." This emotional blackmail creates a powerful loyalty bind, making the child feel as though their love for one parent is a betrayal of the other.

6. Overloading the Child with Adult Problems

Sometimes, a high-conflict co-parent will share inappropriate details about the custody battle, financial struggles, or personal grievances with the other parent. By turning the child into a confidant, they place them in an adult role, forcing them to choose loyalty or empathy for one parent over the other, causing emotional conflict.

7. Rewarding or Punishing Based on Loyalty

A high-conflict co-parent may reward the child with extra privileges, gifts, or attention when they show loyalty and compliance, and withdraw affection or become cold if the child shows favor toward the other parent. This manipulation reinforces the loyalty bind by creating emotional stakes around the child’s behavior.

8. Controlling the Child’s Narrative

High-conflict parents may try to control the narrative of events by telling the child only their version of the story. They might say, "Your other parent didn’t even try to see you," when the reality is much more complex. This creates confusion and makes the child feel like they must align with the story they’ve been told to remain loyal.


loyalty bind

9. Weaponizing the Child’s Emotions

A high-conflict co-parent might weaponize the child’s emotions, claiming the child is sad or upset because of the other parent’s actions, even when the child expresses no such feelings. This forces the child into a loyalty bind by making them responsible for the emotional well-being of the conflict-driven parent.

10. Blocking a Positive Relationship with the Other Parent

In some cases, a high-conflict parent may actively discourage or sabotage the child’s relationship with the other parent, saying things like, "I’m the only one who truly cares about you," or, "Your other parent doesn’t love you like I do." This isolates the child emotionally and strengthens the loyalty bind by making the child fear that maintaining a positive relationship with both parents is impossible.


Breaking Free from Loyalty Binds

For children, loyalty binds can lead to long-term emotional struggles, including anxiety, guilt, and confusion about their self-worth and identity. To prevent loyalty binds, parents must prioritize the child’s well-being over their own conflicts. This includes maintaining healthy boundaries, respecting the child’s relationship with both parents, and communicating directly with the co-parent without involving the child in adult issues.


If you’re dealing with a high-conflict co-parent who is creating loyalty binds, it’s important to document the behavior and seek professional guidance. A co-parenting coach or legal advisor can help address the issue and advocate for the child’s emotional health and safety.


Creating an environment where a child feels secure and free to love both parents without fear of punishment or rejection is essential for their emotional development. By being aware of these tactics and taking steps to counteract them, parents can protect their children from being caught in the middle of high-conflict dynamics.


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