Divorce can be difficult under any circumstances, but when one parent engages in coercive control, it becomes an ongoing battle rather than a resolution. Coercive control is a pattern of behavior designed to dominate, intimidate, and undermine the other parent, often extending beyond the marriage and into co-parenting arrangements. While some forms of coercion—like physical violence or overt threats—are obvious, many tactics are far more subtle, making them difficult to recognize and even harder to prove in court.
Here are some of the lesser-known yet deeply damaging ways a coercive co-parent may attempt to manipulate, punish, and control the healthy parent and, by extension, the children.
1. Using the Legal System as a Weapon
Filing endless frivolous motions to drain the healthy parent’s financial and emotional resources.
Making false allegations of abuse or neglect to gain leverage in custody battles.
Requesting unnecessary evaluations or investigations to create doubt and delay proceedings.
Violating court orders but gaslighting the other parent when confronted.
2. Manipulating Communication
Sending vague, ambiguous, or inflammatory messages that require excessive clarification.
Refusing to communicate through court-recommended apps to maintain control over narratives.
Deliberately responding slowly or not at all to time-sensitive matters.
Bombarding the healthy parent with excessive messages when it serves their agenda.
Using the child as a messenger to avoid direct communication and create emotional confusion.
3. Controlling the Child’s Perception of the Healthy Parent
Subtly undermining the other parent’s authority by questioning their rules or decisions in front of the child.
Creating a false narrative that the healthy parent is unsafe, untrustworthy, or unloving.
Rewarding the child for rejecting the other parent or resisting their authority.
Sharing inappropriate adult details about the divorce or court case to sway the child’s loyalty.
Encouraging the child to “spy” on the other parent and report back.
4. Disrupting Parenting Time and Routines
Frequently “forgetting” or being late to drop-offs and pickups.
Claiming last-minute emergencies to disrupt the other parent’s time with the child.
Overloading the child’s schedule with unnecessary activities to reduce time with the healthy parent.
Encouraging the child to express reluctance about spending time with the other parent.
Failing to provide essential belongings during transitions to create unnecessary burdens.
5. Financial Abuse and Economic Control
Refusing to pay court-ordered child support or alimony.
Deliberately causing financial hardship by withholding reimbursements for shared expenses.
Quitting jobs or underreporting income to reduce financial obligations.
Using financial leverage to manipulate custody arrangements (e.g., offering expensive gifts in exchange for loyalty).
Dragging out legal proceedings to increase legal costs for the healthy parent.
6. Isolating the Healthy Parent
Spreading false rumors to damage the other parent’s reputation.
Interfering with friendships or family relationships by creating tension and mistrust.
Convincing mutual acquaintances to choose sides.
Coaching the child to distance themselves emotionally from the healthy parent.
Harassing or intimidating new romantic partners to create instability.
7. Emotional and Psychological Manipulation
Gaslighting by denying past agreements or rewriting history.
Playing the victim and portraying the healthy parent as the aggressor.
Feigning cooperation in public while behaving abusively behind the scenes.
Using guilt to make the child feel responsible for the co-parent’s emotional well-being.
Threatening self-harm or extreme actions if they don’t get their way.
For more subtle signs of coercive control and tips on how to protect yourself and your child, read on substack.
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