Reclaiming Your Power: Turning Your Co-Parent’s Insults Into Strengths

When you’re co-parenting with someone who uses manipulation, name-calling, or insulting as a tactic, it’s easy to get pulled into their game. They hurl words like weapons: “crazy,” “controlling,” “selfish,” “lazy,” “unfit,” “vindictive,” “gold digger.” 

At first, these labels can sting, especially when you’re already carrying the weight of raising children in a high-conflict environment.

But here’s the truth: those labels are not reflections of you. They are projections of your co-parent’s own insecurities, frustrations, and attempts to control.

Why They Use Insults

Labels are a form of psychological shorthand. Instead of engaging in problem-solving, a coercive co-parent reduces you to a caricature. It’s an attempt to dismiss your perspective without having to face it.

• “Crazy” is code for: “You won’t accept my version of reality.”

• “Controlling” is code for: “You set boundaries I don’t like.”

• “Gold digger” is code for: “I’m uncomfortable with financial accountability.”

• “Selfish” often means: “You won’t put my needs before your own.”

• “Unfit parent” can actually mean: “You parent differently than me, and it threatens my control.”

• “Vindictive” may really mean: “You hold me accountable for my actions.”

Each insult is less about you and more about them.

The Trap of Reactivity

When a coercive co-parent calls you names, your nervous system reacts before your logic can catch up. This is because insults hit on primal wiring where we’re biologically designed to defend ourselves when our reputation, belonging, or identity feels threatened. That “fight, flight, or freeze” response kicks in, and suddenly you feel an urgent need to prove them wrong.

This is exactly the trap they set. By calling you “crazy,” “selfish,” or “unfit,” they pull you into defending, explaining, or over-justifying your actions. In doing so, you unconsciously step into the role they’ve scripted for you. The more energy you spend arguing against their mischaracterization, the more you reinforce their frame. It becomes a psychological loop: they provoke, you react, they claim your reaction as “evidence.”

But here’s the key: those labels aren’t rooted in truth. They are rooted in projection.

Projection is a defense mechanism where a person denies qualities in themselves and attributes them to someone else. A parent who struggles with selfishness may call you “selfish.”

Someone who feels out of control may accuse you of being “controlling.” It’s less about describing you and more about disowning the parts of themselves they can’t tolerate.

The danger of reactivity is that you internalize their projections. You start to wonder, “Am I crazy? Am I too controlling? Am I being selfish?” This self-doubt is exactly what they want because it keeps you unstable, questioning yourself, and makes you easier to manipulate.

The Shift Away From Reactivity

The antidote is awareness. The moment you recognize, “This is projection, not truth,” the spell breaks. Instead of reacting, you can pause and observe. Their insult becomes information: not about you, but about them. The spiralng effect of their fears, their insecurities, and their need to control the narrative.

By refusing to step into the reactive role, you reclaim control over your own identity and emotional state.

The Power of Reframing

Instead of internalizing the insult, ask: “What does this say about them?”

By reframing:

• “Crazy” becomes proof that you’re grounded in reality and refusing to be gaslit.

• “Controlling” transforms into recognition that your boundaries are clear and firm.

• “Selfish” signals that you’re finally prioritizing your well-being and your child’s.

• “Unfit” reveals their fear of losing influence or control.

This shift moves you out of the reactive state and into clarity. Their words lose weight when you recognize them as projections, not truths.

Building Emotional and Personal Boundaries 

A practical exercise:

1. Write down the top 3 insults your co-parent uses.

2. Next to each one, write the projection translation and what it really reveals about them.

3. Then flip it into a strength-based statement about you.

For example:

• Insult: “You’re too controlling.”

• Translation: They’re upset that I won’t bend to their demands.

• Reframe: I am committed to protecting my child’s well-being with clear boundaries.

This exercise builds mental and emotional armor. Over time, the sting fades, and their words become transparent.

You don’t have to carry their insutls. Their words are about their fears, their need for control, and their inability to face themselves. The more you reframe, the more you reclaim your power.

Your identity isn’t what they call you. Your identity is what you embody - resilience, clarity, and strength.

For more on building stronger boundaries, grab our book Boundary Badass. Or check out our Coparenitng Code Scripts and shut them down one line at a time.