Why A Coercive Co-Parent Is In Competition With The Healthy Parent

Co-parenting with a controlling or manipulative ex can feel like living in a never-ending contest. You’re not trying to win favors, you’re trying to raise emotionally healthy kids. But your co-parent seems determined to compete for your child’s attention, love, or loyalty.

This kind of dynamic isn't healthy, and it’s not normal. If you feel like you're constantly being one-upped, guilt-tripped, or pushed out of your own parenting role, you may be dealing with a coercive co-parent.

Underneath the behavior is a deep insecurity. These parents often have a fragile ego and a need for external validation. Instead of prioritizing the child’s emotional well-being, they focus on being the “favorite,” the “fun one,” or the “victim.”

10 Common Ways Coercive Co-Parents Are In Competition

If any of these sound familiar, you’re not alone. These are typical behaviors in high-conflict or coercive co-parenting dynamics:

1. Overspending to Buy Affection They give lavish gifts or plan expensive experiences to “earn” the child’s loyalty.

2. Breaking or Undermining Your Rules They deliberately allow things you’ve restricted, like late nights, junk food, or adult content to seem more permissive or fun.

3. Disrupting Your Parenting Time They call, text, or schedule surprise plans during your time to stay in control or interrupt bonding.

4. Fishing for Praise  They ask leading questions like, “Aren’t you glad I’m the one who really understands you?” to extract compliments.

5. Devaluing Your Role  They subtly or directly criticize your parenting style, rules, or decisions to the child.

6. Posting for Applause, Not Connection Social media becomes a stage to showcase their “amazing parenting,” often at the expense of real connection.

7. Claiming Credit for Milestones They take credit for school achievements, therapy breakthroughs, or social wins even when uninvolved.

8. Creating Loyalty Tests  They pressure the child to “choose” sides, often with guilt-laced comments like, “It hurts when you want to be at the other house.”

9. Rewriting Family History  They distort past events to make themselves look heroic and you look untrustworthy.

10. Using Emotional Manipulation  They act hurt or betrayed if the child expresses love or affection for you.

    
    

When parenting feels like a competition, it’s often a sign that one parent is more focused on image than connection. But children don’t need a winner. They need at least one adult who refuses to turn love into a scoreboard.

You can’t control the other parent’s behavior, but you can shape your child’s sense of safety, truth, and trust.

And in the long run, that’s what really matters.