Psychological Strategy Questions to Use with a Coercive Co-Parent in Mediation

Mediation can be a challenging process when dealing with a coercive co-parent who thrives on manipulation, control, and distorting reality. Rather than engaging in direct confrontation—which can escalate conflict or allow them to play the victim—strategic questioning can subtly expose their contradictions, force accountability, and shift the narrative in a way that highlights their behavior.

The Power of Strategic Questions

Coercive individuals often rely on emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and vague or victim narratives to maintain control. Well-crafted questions:

• Require specific, fact-based answers.

• Highlight contradictions and inconsistencies.

• Shift the focus back onto the child’s well-being.

• Subtly challenge their distorted narrative without appearing aggressive.

Psychological discovery questions can be used in mediation to strategically back a coercive co-parent into a corner, exposing manipulation and coercion while keeping the focus on the child’s best interest.

1. Exposing Contradictions in Their Narrative

Coercive co-parents often contradict themselves when they try to maintain a false narrative. Strategic questioning can highlight this inconsistency.

• “Last session, you said that our child was happy and well-adjusted at your house. Today, you’re saying they are struggling because of me. Can you clarify which statement is accurate?”

• “You’ve said that you encourage our child to have a relationship with both parents, but you also said they refuse to call me while in your care. What specific steps have you taken to encourage their relationship with both parents?”

• “You stated in the co-parenting app that you aren’t putting our child in the middle of our differences, but then how would you explain her/his use of terminology, like judge, when returning from your home?”

  
  

2. Forcing Them to Define Their Vague Accusations

Coercive parents use vague claims to plant doubt. Asking for specifics forces them to clarify or reveal their lack of evidence.

• “When you say I ‘alienate’ our child, what exact behaviors are you referring to? Can you provide a specific instance?”

• “You claim that I am difficult to co-parent with. Can you give an example of a time I refused to cooperate and how that impacted our child?”

• “You claim the children are being neglected, can you give examples of how the children are being neglected?”

3. Redirecting Back to the Child’s Well-Being

Coercive co-parents often make mediation about their grievances rather than the child. These questions shift the focus back to what truly matters.

• “How does arguing about our personal conflicts help our child feel more secure?”

• “What can we both agree on that will help create stability for our child?”

• “If our child were sitting here right now, what would they say they need from both of us?”

• “How does using our child as a confidante support their development?”

• “What do you believe is causing our child to act out more in school?”

4. Highlighting Their Control Tactics

Coercive co-parents often control access to the child, dictate schedules unfairly or manipulate communication. These questions call that out indirectly. Keep in mind - try to stick to “how” or “what” questions, and refrain from “why” to prevent your co-parent from feeling attacked.

• “How come when I call the children for our parent-child access call they are ignored and I don’t receive a call back?”

• “How come when I seek transparency on a doctor’s appointment for our child I don’t receive a reply?”

• “How come you believe you can make unilateral decisions about our child’s life?”

• “What about consulting before signing on the children’s for activities is challenging?”

• “Can you explain how compromising on the children’s school choice is difficult for you?”

• “Can you clarify how come I haven’t received reimbursement for any of our children’s medical bills?”

  
  

5. Revealing Their Projection

Projection is when a coercive parent accuses the healthy parent of the exact behaviors they engage in. Strategic questioning exposes this tactic.

• “You’ve accused me of being inflexible, but in the last six months, how many times have you adjusted to accommodate my requests?”

• “You say I don’t communicate well, yet I respond to messages while you often ignore mine. Can you explain that?”

• “You’ve mentioned feeling unsafe or attacked—can you clarify what actions have made you feel that way?”

• “You’ve described feeling controlled—can you give specific examples of when you’ve been prevented from making parenting decisions?”

• “You’ve claimed I don’t provide for the children, when was the last time you purchased clothing and shoes for them?”

6. Holding Them Accountable for Their Actions

Manipulators avoid responsibility. These questions make it harder for them to dodge accountability.

• “Are you willing to put in writing that you will follow the agreed-upon parenting plan without making unilateral decisions?”

• “Can we agree to use a co-parenting app for all communication so everything is streamlined to effectively meet the kids’ needs?”

• “If you truly believe in co-parenting equally, how come you insist on deciding key aspects of our child’s life without input from me?”

• “How do your actions support the children’s emotional well-being, separate from your feelings about me?”

• “If conflict continues, what do you believe is your role in reducing it?”

Additional Tips: Staying Calm and Strategic in Mediation

When using these questions in mediation:

• Stay composed and neutral. Do not engage emotionally, as this plays into their tactics.

• Keep the focus on the child. Mediators are more likely to side with the parent who remains child-centered and solution-oriented.

• Bring supporting documents to mediation, if necessary, to dispute false accusations.

• Forget outcomes. Focus on what you can control and where you are willing to compromise. Parenting time is usually the hardest to mediate with a coercive co-parent if 50/50 it’s not in the child’s best interest.

• Private mediation allows for more flexibility in agreements and often results in a detailed parenting plan to fit your children’s needs.

A coercive co-parent thrives on chaos and emotional reaction. By using well-placed questions, you disrupt their control, expose inconsistencies, and take back power in the mediation process. The goal isn’t to argue—it’s to hold them accountable while maintaining your integrity and advocating for your child’s best interests.

If you need additional mediation prep on countering all the curveballs you suspect they will throw out in mediation, sign up for a consult here. Every case is unique and may require additional brainstorming of strategic questions that align with coercive co-parent’s antics.